In the last couple months of 2017 I found myself struggling with maintaining my sense of fulfilment and self-worth. My partner, Dean (there you go, you finally got a proper mention) would spend his days off where he would seemingly do all these things that made him happy to the point that he was excited to tell me about them I came home.
In comparison, my days off would mostly mean sorting out any household chores that I hadn’t yet done, watching something on Netflix but never really sticking to one thing and avoiding writing on this blog or at all for that matter. It seemed as though after all the recent big changes in my life, such as moving in with a significant other and taking on more responsibilities at work, I had forgotten how to do the things that made me happy. Everytime Dean would tell me about his days off I would lament to him that I didn’t know what having a ‘Hannah Day’ even was anymore but with the beginning of a new year I’ve started to figure it out again.
As it turns out, relaxing and doing nothing productive with my time isn’t how I wind-down at all. If I sit around all evening watching something or gazing at my phone as the hours tick by I start the feel more and more numb, unmotivated and generally disconnected. This in turn makes it hard for me to want to put effort in to socialising, working on my writing and generally doing anything that I would usually consider as something I enjoy, like reading. Eventually, this becomes a numbing norm and finding ways of staying happy or even just content seems like effort in itself and that’s because ultimately, for me it is effort. To feel happy, to have so-called ‘me time’ requires routine, committing something new and seeing physical proof of some progress like the piles of read books I have at home. It is all evidence of time I have not wasted.
Recently, my motivation to maintain my happiness and sense of self-worth means I have returned to doing yoga, begun reading again every night instead of watching endless hours of YouTube or Netflix and set aside time specifically for me to work on this blog. My point is not that doing not much of anything and chilling out in front of the TV is bad because for some people switching off means they can get up the next morning and go about their day of work or whatever they need to do feeling refreshed. However, that is not the case for me and it has taken me a while to fully realise how responsible I am for my own satisfaction in life. Maybe in time what makes me happy will change, who knows? But for now I can say I’m more than happy.